I was out with a friend, catching up. Inevitably, said friend of mine asked me what my next plans were.
I had to pause for a moment and drink my wine and look off.
I wasn't fully certain.
I've been dealing with family and personal challenges over the last year. Such that I couldn't really write about them. I can tell you they exist and are happening. I can tell you I'm coping well..or at least that's what I've been told.
I can honestly admit, some days are better than others. I can admit that some days aren't great at all.
The funny thing is I don't remember how I answered - the stress doesn't always allow for immediate memory. But I want to replay the scene at the end of Notting Hill, when Anna leans to her agent to ask the reporter from earlier who asked "How long will you be staying in the UK?" to ask his question again so she can change her answer to "Indefinitely."
I want to go back and answer - differently.
Or something like that.....
Shonda Rhimes's commencement speech | talk | motherwit prompted part of this and you can read her words here. Mostly the part about action and doing.
Within the last couple of months, I realized I do indeed have a book waiting to be written and photos that need to be taken. I do want to be married | partnered and in love. I do want to make a difference and make sure I'm making a profound one. I've also equally decided some of the things that don't suit me any longer and I can let those go - happily.
How all of that looks? It's still unfolding. I wish I could say I had everything in place. I have everything I need and I have God, but I can't say everything is in its proper place. I can't say I've figured it all out. It's just I'm willing to admit what I don't know - at least what I don't know right now.
I've also learned part of it's learning how to cope. How to process the things that can't be fixed. How to make peace with the moments we don't get back and the things left unsaid. How learning how to cope can be a turning point for us when life gets hard. Being able to sift out the things that have held us back. Learning how to shine through the sifting process.
Honestly, it's been one of the hardest parts of the road. But it's been worth it.
Coping isn't something we're taught. Mostly, we teach ourselves. Sometimes how we cope isn't in a way that's conducive to our best interests. I didn't always cope "so hot" as my grandmother might have put it. Sometimes though, tough things happen to us to slow us down for a minute - to get us to prepare for bigger, better and more amazing things. Maybe to get us to see some things.
The point of coping is to get us to the next point - albeit a better one we pray. Sometimes that works the way we want it to and other times it doesn't. I don't even think we're conscious of it.
At least I've realized on this side of 30 and staring at the door of 40 - coping - in all of it's art form - wasn't always easy or productive for me. Well, let me not say that - it was. I'm still here to share and tell the tale. Nowadays my coping is productive. It looks like a hobby. It churns out product and ideas. It helps others.
I'm sure as I get older, the coping might just take on a better turn - God, please. I realize now, the things I do to cope can enrich my life versus cause additional problems later (key point here). Same coin different sides. I wish I could tell you the journey was easy - but it hasn't been. I wish I could tell you I was super excited about my major decisions and those that've been difficult in the last months - once again, I'm not. But, what I can tell you is I've learned to live with the decisions and where I am in my life. That despite the current time, my life is still good and beautiful.
I'm not exactly sure how I arrived at this blessed state of contentment and love - well, I am... but that's a story for another day.