What if it's really true that we get what we believe we deserve?
It's funny how the last 12 months have taught me things about myself. I'm self-aware - maybe even a little too self-aware. Sometimes, when all of the information has come rolling in at me, I've had to shelve it. I've had to put it on the back burner because I didn't have the time or wherewithal (I love that word) to deal, to take it all apart and still manage to function in my life.
In my last post I wrote about how during mornings, there's no room or time to lie to myself. Any truth I've been holding back or harboring seems to come to the forefront at pre-dawn hours.
This morning's revelation: I've been depriving myself.
Not in the sense of actual starvation of food, but starvation from the things, moments and situations that would most benefit my life. Fear of movement, fear of closing doors on situations, being able to say no, not settling for less, seeking out more, protecting myself and taking good care of myself. It's so glaringly apparent now because I AM taking care of myself. I am ready to receive all the things God has planned for me. I've even prayed that if something isn't for me - Lord, help me to let it go. I'm there.
I firmly believe God blesses those who make moves. Moves require courage. Make them. My personal believe? God blesses those who hustle and make moves. You can start the project, the process and then you start to see the Divine enter and assist. This is where you have to work. Sweat equity. God blesses the sweat y'all - and the tears.
I've read many times over that we get what we negotiate, we get what we believe we deserve. I've found in the last year or two, there's merit to this thought. Am I perfect? By no means. Do I fuck up? Regularly. However, those things don't negate my overall value. This has been the hardest thing to grasp during my 30s. I find it funny though because I love imperfect people and things. I love people who aren't meeting beauty standards. I love seeing people break beauty standards.
Who and what I find beautiful has often been odd to many. Maybe it's the way my vision is set up. I'd always asked God for Him to help me see and hear as He sees and hears. I'm hoping that's what's led me to want to capture so many moments. It's just when you have to apply those beliefs to yourself and fix and repair the things that have happened over the years it's easier said than done. It's easier to hold on to the things you've done wrong (or at least it seems it is) than it is to forgive yourself and thrive. For many of us, I even find succeeding and doing well - we're hiding it. We're embarrassed to be this happy, doing this well, be this in love. We're scared to thrive and succeed because that tells us a lot about ourselves too.
With my faith in God, I've also realized dimming my light feels wrong. I don't need to flaunt. I just need to be myself. My full self.
It tells us how we're capable. Success puts us to task and keeps us on our toes. We're afraid that we may not be able to repeat our success. Or we're worried we won't be able to maintain the pace, that we actually now have to do things and try harder.
I get it. That's been me over the last few years. Sometimes, you're in a place and you can't quite see your way out of it. Seeing your way out of it, you realize you've still got PTSD from the situation. You realize you've been depriving your own spirit of all the good God has to offer. I decided this morning, I would do my best to give myself the best and do the best by myself from here on out. I owe that to God, my family and myself.
I realized this morning, I'm in recovery from a deprivation of spirit and I intend to recover post haste. There's a rebuilding happening. There's an expansion. There's no time to waste. Life is to be lived richly. Make good decisions. Recover from the bad decisions. Make moves to bless your life. Choose good people to surround you. Love yourself fully and wholly and love your life - no matter what state it's in, it's a blessing.
I pray you'll find your sweet spot and give yourself all you deserve. I pray you can forgive yourself and receive all God has to offer in this life.
With love and negritude this morning,