In September of last year, I hoped I could salvage the year. I was reasonably optimistic about it.
Needless to say, it didn't work. The year managed, up until the very last minute, to take its toll and get everything it could from me short of killing me.
For that, I'm thankful.
Today, I'm sitting here thinking and thankful, that through the suffering of the year - mostly private suffering, I made it out to tell the tale. Challenges in every area of my life - simultaneously. I'll rarely say its too much, but the year that shall not be named exhausted me. It pulled on me in ways I didn't know were possible simultaneously.
So I did what any person attempting to keep their sanity and make it to another day would do, what humans have done across time, across the lands - I checked the fuck out.
I've been flying the flag at half mast lately. A sign that I've surrendered but the fight isn't over. I learned a few things over the year that shall not be named - mostly how important it is to take care of ourselves.
See, I'm one of those people who keeps going until I can't. The way my psyche deals with things is I'm together for as long as I need to be together. You know those scenes in the movie where a character runs as fast and hard as they can, until their destination and once there they collapse? That's what happened. I got over the finish line and collapsed.
The calls and the requests come in to do things, for help and I've been able to barely answer the phone. There's more no then there is yes. I've had to design it that way to stay mentally and emotionally afloat.
In this healing and recovery process, I've found my solitude is the one thing I can count on to resolve the majority of issues I've had. I never knew how important it could be, but its what's on the menu these days. I may not go out, but those who I love, tend to stop by and say hello and I'm thankful for it.
I don't know if there's really a purpose to this post? Maybe just to encourage you to go and sit down somewhere and deal. Sometimes, it helps to stay busy and then other times, its all you can do to get out of bed. Weekends have been my refuge. Time off that's pending will be my future refuge. There are other things that will change soon enough as well and that will also provide refuge.
Maybe that's the point - to seek refuge. Wherever and however you can. In these times, we all need it. I forsee we'll need to be our own refuge. By healing, you can also provide it for others when needed. I think that's the goal. Suffering doesn't last always. being fed up doesn't last always. Being exhausted isn't a permanent state.
In putting my home back together, in circling back and beginning to tackle those things that have worried me over the years, I'm finding refuge. In learning, in making and in being creative - there's refuge.
With refuge and rest comes great creativity when we arise from the ashes. I pray this message will find you well.... or mending and in good spirits. May I offer you hope for this week and the weeks to come.