I was moving along last week at work and saw something worthy of a photo. I pulled the camera from my bag - I keep it with me. I learned early on, having it with me encouraged me to shoot. Inevitably, if I didn't have it, I needed it. So I pull the camera out, begin to focus and things are out of focus and I can't get them back into focus. I twist and turn the lens a bit more only to discover the above findings.
I'd broken my first camera lens.
I tried to piece it back together. I tried to mend it. I tried to fix it. It was firing and well, there were still blurry photos. I actually couldn't be that mad. For the cost and for all the joy it's brought me, it did me well. It's last official shoot was astounding (I'll share some of those with you soon). The lens is still held together by a small strip but the sensors and chips in the lens don't like the fact they were separated in the first place. As a result, I had to get a new lens. I was slightly devastated. I can't even lie. Just on principal. However, this is one of those great lenses that's not too expensive - as far as lenses go. It put me back $133. In camera life, tech life, that's pretty cheap.
As mentioned in one of the earlier posts I began a new gig a couple of months ago. When I started this new job, I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into. It's just you never really know until you're fully into it. Once I had made the leap, it was too late to reverse it. It's not like the Mr. Cee's song and I yell "two hops this time! reverse reverse" and I'm back to where I was. Nope. I was all in.
I won't even lie to you. I love the work. However, it's brutal. It's just the hours at times and well the time and the hour, not to mention the learning curve. There's nothing comparable about being AT work at 5am and still being relatively lost. These 0 dark thirty mornings haven't gotten easier. I can't say they're harder, but some days I want to stay home - or just sleep in (which now looks like 7am). Needless to say these last couple of months have taught me quite a bit.
It's just with the early mornings, I'm clear. Clarity brings understanding. I've figured out more in the last couple of months and identified lingering regrets and unspoken dreams. At 4am, there's no choice but to be honest with myself. Which makes me wonder - why didn't I do this earlier? Why didn't I work harder for myself before and try and jump a little higher, a little farther? It makes me wonder - and those are new questions to answer.
With the early mornings, it makes me realize how important it is to do the things I love with the time I have. To get up early - for myself. To do the things I love - for myself. It's made me think about retirement, dreams and all of the things I need to get done and need to settle out so I can get to the next phase of my life.
It's also pretty much weeded out bullshit. I've always guarded my time. However, hitting a milestone point and having a new level of accountability x an existing goal level makes for a good set of GTFOH. Because time has become even more precious with the new hours, there's less room to tolerate my own bullshit. It's amazing what a shift in schedule and a milestone age can do for you.
In this moment, I've promised myself with this new level of frustration and anger (for having to be up so early) I'd make sure I finish this book. I make sure I still take photos and do things that are important to me. In fact, I've realized when I'm up this early, I can get in a few more photos of the things I used to miss while sleeping in and bullshitting. I had to be thankful that with a new job, I could go out and buy the lens without thinking twice about it. An investment in my sanity and in my personal work. My own goals and dreams are at the forefront. Honestly, it's the way it should've been all this time. If I can work and hustle, get up to be somewhere to work on someone else's project I can surely find the energy to put towards my own - even in the off hours, the few that I may have between.
It's funny how a broken camera lens can teach.
Here's to knowing the early mornings and late nights are ours to create....