On 2015.... What I Learned, What I Realize I Know, What I Don't Know

Here we are the close of another year.  I'm thankful.  Every year I have a chance to see and complete is a blessing.  The older I am, the more I realize how much of a privilege it is to start and close another year.  

I won't try and make this extra long or deep.  No need.  Reaching a point of gratitude and simplicity has ended up creating a need to say less. want to do more.... I want to say less.  I want my actions and my work to speak on my behalf.  Not that words aren't important.  They have their place.  I'm a writer -- words are necessary.  They don't replace taking action.  They don't make up for what doesn't get accomplished. 

What I Don't Know...

Most days, I pretty much feel like I don't know shit.   I know a few things. Some days the pieces come together.  It's come to my attention the more I learn, the less I know. Beliefs are overturned at times.  Ways I thought things should be done are expanded.  My heart opens a bit more while still being broken and I'm surprised at how my views contract on some things and expand on others.  This means, I'm ever changing.  I realized there's so much I don't know.  I'm thankful I don't have to know it all and I can change my mind at any time.

What I Realize I Know...

God is real.  Love is real.  Love can fix a multitude of sins.  Hard work does indeed pay off. Working on behalf of yourself is always a good idea.  It's important to assist and serve people. No matter how much you want things to work out sometimes, the shit doesn't work.  We (read I) can survive when shit doesn't work out.  Writing a book is hard.    Putting a book together in its final stages is hard (well worth it but hard).  I enjoy being home way more than I should especially when I need to be out for work and to take photos.  I have a terrible potty mouth and don't plan to make any changes to it.  I'm happy to be where I am in life.  I like myself.  It's ok to have days when I'm unhappy.  People may choose not to stay and it's ok. I like planting things.  I still love to cook.  I can take on something I know absolutely nothing about, work hard and sometimes I win and other times I don't. 

What I Learned...

[wash rinse repeat of what I know - see above]

Really - more than I expected.  In taking a new job this year, I now know how hard I CAN work and the hours I CAN put in.... that I can actually get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to be somewhere.  The job has helped me hone the art of being meticulous.  This means everything.  It's prepped me and taught me I have the fortitude and stamina to get the things on my personal list done.  In fact, the hours and work alone fuel me to get all of my OWN projects completed. 

I've learned there's a whole process to being able to move past things I want and won't get - or at least not get them in the way I was thinking.  Sometimes this means a matter of coping, other times this means a matter of understanding something may not have been for me.  I've realized photography saves me in ways I didn't know it would.  It's helped me to see things differently in and outside of the craft.  I tend to be the girl who believes I'm blessed to have a glass half full, I'm excited I have a glass...photography makes me want to capture everything I see that needs to be remembered.  A person, a moment, a place.  It's also helped me be present in the moment.  A photograph is a snapshot of a moment I'll never have again.  It's unique in that no one can take the same photo again. 

I've learned when things are done in pure love, with passion you have no choice but to succeed at some point.  Just gotta hang in there. 

One other important thing the year brought to me is the need to speak up for and stand up for myself.  To be fine with the idea that some days, I may need to say things and discuss things and bring truth to light - even when it's not comfortable for others.  The art of opening my mouth and having courage to deal with whatever comes.

I've learned to care less of what others think.  This doesn't mean I don't care.  It means there's a time and a place for it.  It means there will be times no one agrees and it's just fine.  It means those who do care, I check in with them and they'll still respect me when I go a different direction.  It means I'm most worried about impressing myself (and God).

I've learned my so called fucks to give have been absolutely reallocated to myself and a few others. There comes a time when you need to choose to save yourself.

I've also learned in real time, the old saying "Hit dogs holler" is the absolute truth.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I think to this quote every year as it turns - was this a year that answered questions or a year that asked them?  There's another series of lessons I'll save for another date, for another time. This year was without a doubt a year that answered questions.  A  year that solidified who I am and who I want to be.  There were questions that had been pending for years.  There were feelings that had not been resolved.  This year?   Foundations were laid, resolutions were had - even if I had to resolve some things wouldn't be resolved.

I can be nothing but thankful.

May your remaining days of 2015 be amazing, bring clarity and love.  Here's to 2016 being a year of building, of progress, of restoration, harvesting and planting.  

Gentle Reminders

My grandmother used to remind me about the sunrise and the sunset.  The kitchen window in Detroit was a special place.  It caught the sun every morning.   We'd stand there and talk about God as the Master Painter and how (S)He created all of the beauty we can see. It's something I always think about.  It's likely why I chase the sun and the stars all the time.

It's no small coincidence that from my the majority of the windows in my apartment, the sun rises.  I've been thankful for it.  A reminder of home, love and what's important.  As a great lesson, I was glad I took the time to get my camera this morning and get the photo.  By the time I'd left the house, the colors were gone and the sky had turned gray.  If that isn't a lesson....

These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me, I can't even lie or hide it. No point.  I've been writing.  I've been taking photos. I've had numerous calls.  I've had friends stop by.  I've sat alone quite a bit and have begun to unravel all of those heavy things I hadn't been able to process over the months.  Things that got heavy all of a sudden.  Things you ignore and then it's in your face and it can't be ignored.  I can't say it's been easy. I do know by allowing it to happen as it needs to happen, I'll avoid a virtual shut down later. I cannot afford to ignore things at this time in my life.  Not things that will likely come back to haunt me if I don't deal with them or manage them. Any important decisions that need to be made now need to be made with my future self in mind.  Maybe it's not about what's comfortable or amazing in this moment (although that's critical also) but what will set my life on track, what will bless me exponentially.

That's the difference at 40. 

The willingness to be uncomfortable for the sake of my future welfare, happiness and prosperity.  Sometimes those moments seem like they'll last forever.  Sometimes, we need to stand strong for a while just to get what we need for the sake of saving time, heartache and sanity.  These days I stand more patient to make sure I know the answers and decisions I've made are the best ones. Making the decision to be still is a blessing. It's always been a blessing.  It's always placed me in the right place at the right time and in front of and with the right people. 

The reality is my consistent thought comes down to home.  How my life is being lived, how at home I feel within myself and with the people I love.   I think about the places I've been where I've felt at home, the homes I've created and what it means for a person (or persons) to be your home.  There's also the thought of how to process all of it as life creates changes and there's a need to move things around, shift or move altogether.  It's never easy.  In the move there's always a loss of something.  Something breaks, something valuable may be misplaced - but hopefully the gain is immeasurable.  

I sometimes wish I could see how all of this pans out.  That those moments I'm stretched out matter.  Deep down I know they do (I think).  I know there's a purpose.  Or at least I remind myself of this and then channel it into the people and endeavors needing the love and attention. 

Despite my current moment of general blahs (it is just a moment), the reality is I'm incredibly blessed.  I'm so thankful to have the opportunities that have come up this year and the people who are in m y life..... all of this has been a blessing and a wonderful support through it all. 

Here's to all of the sunrises to come, the new days ahead, the makings of home and all of the makings of a good life.  I bless you.

Love, 

Rae

"Know First Who You Are..."

“Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.” 
― Epictetus

Over the last few months, I've had less time to do the things I want to do - but the good thing about this situation  is I've also learned quite a bit about myself.  

It's forced me to take the time I do have and get busy living.  It seems to be the glaring message over the last couple of years - which boils down to getting my shit done.  All of it.  All of the things I want to get done and are important and remaining.  Whatever I can get to - I want to get it done and enjoy my life.  I've said this before, but it's also extremely important to spend my time with people I adore and love.  I try my best to make those moments count for everything they mean to me.  

Which brings me to the reason for this post - anger and hilarity.  I've been watching a situation unfold over the last few months and while I've been angry it's turned into pure comedy at this point.   

It's a reminder to use anger as a driving force. Over the last year, I've also discovered a higher level of anger - or at least I've been able to admit when I'm hurt or angry.  Somewhere along the way, I've started to channel the anger - into action, into creativity, into productivity and using it to fuel the fire driving me to do those things that matter the most. 

Every time someone or something pisses me off these days, I try to be productive.  Lately it's meant taking my house apart and painting.  Sometimes it means long drives and photos.  Some of my best work has been created under what I'd think was duress but was more like a way to relieve the pressure.  Constructive movement.  I'm thankful for it.   Honestly, this is a new phenomenon.  It used to be that I'd be so angry I couldn't make moves.  With a turn of a decade, things look different.  I can be angry and still be focused and productive.  It was a matter of gaining control over my emotions.  

Note: never allow a situation or a person to make you so angry you become destructive.  

My father and I speak regularly about life and we were talking about the usefulness of anger. He told me every time someone pissed him off, he went out and made a move that benefited his life - bought a car, bought a house, finished a degree, reached a new level.  I find myself doing the same these days.   I've learned and read there are many stories like this... "I started my business when ____ made me angry."  "I began this [insert creative endeavor] when _____ happened. "   

Note II : In the past, I may have been angry at myself and not anyone else.  Angry for allowing someone to get over on me, or feeling as if I couldn't change a situation.  I forgave myself, I consistently forgive myself and I've moved on to other things.  The anger isn't always directed outwards - it can be directed inwards and that's the worst thing.  Push that shit out.  Channel it and go do good things - for yourself.  

Today, be encouraged to channel your frustration and anger into something productive for yourself, something that will benefit your life.  Fuel your productivity and creativity with the frustration, anger or disappointment.   Make good moves.  Make good decisions.  That's the best way to get even. 

"Get mad, then get over it. ” 
― Colin Powell