Gratitude : An Untitled Report on 2018

I'd like to open 2019 with a sort of report.  Of loss and gratitude.  Of progress.  Of things coming together and that I'm well.    I haven't been here to write since May of 2017 - and all of you still stop by to read and say hello, send emails and for that -  I appreciate you.  I'm thankful for your presence in the social media spaces and for those who I've met offline.  

I believe 2019 is a year of action.  A year to do things.  A year to stop telling everyone the plan and executing the plan.  A year to stop explaining ourselves when we want to do something good for ourselves, our families and our communities.   Across my circle of friends this has been the constant theme - DO.  Make.  Build. Action.  

I'm still working on my vision board.  I'm working on my word for the year.  I don't have it yet but that's ok.  
2018 was a monumental year in several ways.  Rites of passage took place.  Getting to a place of acceptance took place.  The beginning of coming into my own took place.... 

My mother passed away.  There's no easy way for me to put that in writing. I just have to say it.  There was no easy way to tell my friends and family what was coming.  There's no easy way to tell you here.  It's a rite of passage.  It's a great loss.  While she had been a trooper with a series of illnesses (I called her a tank very often b/c not much could take her down) for a long time, not much can prepare you for those moments.  You know it's coming.  It's the when that fucks with you.  It's the how.  

Nothing can prepare you to sit with a parent as they leave this earth.  Even when the relationship is difficult, you'll miss them.   Even through the regrets you'll wonder if maybe they saw the real you.  I think she did.  I hope she also felt seen and loved.   I'm thankful she's not suffering.  I keep thinking she's likely on the other side smoking Kools, in a fabulous wig with her face beat to the gods, drenched in expensive perfume and drinking a Pepsi. Best clothes.  Music playing.  Bracelets clinking to the movement.  Dancing.  Laughing.  At her peak.    I'm sure this is how I'll see her when I cross over.  I'm also certain my grandparents were waiting to see her.  I'll forever be thankful for her being as difficult, as talented and beautiful as she was.  The lessons learned from her have been priceless.  The lessons - while hard won, made me much of who I am today. By fire and reluctance but here I am.  She was tough as fuck.  I can tell you that for sure.  She happened to make me strong and creative and I'm thankful for her life.  I'm still processing this loss. Mostly processing what I believe I missed out on, but I press on.  But know that I'm ok and healing (from all of it).

Work was tolerable and it’s been good to me. The projects were crazy, but my team was the saving grace.  The hours remain ridiculous.  However, the raise and the skills I've acquired have made it worth it.  I actually got this raise that made me ask them “Wait. How much?” I’m thankful. Honestly the job has given me more confidence than before and has honed my ability to take a large scale idea and break it down.  Note to self: this will come in handy later.

Acceptance. I wholly accepted the idea that no matter how badly you may want a situation, a thing or a relationship with a specific person - it may simply not be for you.  It may never happen.  Trying to keep it or maintain it may do more harm than good and you'll have to unravel it all - or just burn the bridge entirely.  As they say "did you burn the bridge or clear the path?" There's a way to resign from things, be thankful for the moments and walk away.  I did.  Quietly.  With no fanfare.  

New spaces and exploration. I rented an art studio.  Yes. You read that right - an art studio.  While in some random epiphany processing some level of anger, it came to me I should be making more art.   I haven't been working at home on my shit.  I've been recovering at home  I needed a new space.  I needed a new place to create.  I took part of the raise and put it towards another version of self-care which for me is moving forward towards my dreams.  So I rented a small art studio. At some point I’ll do a series of photos and a little video tour but I’m still putting it together and finding my way. I spent part of my weekend in there organizing and pulling it together.  I'll spend part of tonight looking through the IKEA catalog and plotting for ways to make a space that invites me to create. A space where I can tinker and fuck around and figure shit out. I've been anticipating what I'll learn in this next year from this space, from my interactions and how I’ll grow. I expect miracles.

Breakfast with Minutes. Me and one of my friends have been going to breakfast (breffis around here). These breakfasts have saved me. We go to all sorts of random spots. Is it open early? Is the food good? We take meeting minutes. This is the shit moguls are made of and I’m thankful for these moments. We talk a lot of shit and then get to planning and bouncing ideas. We also turn these into day trips and cases of wine.

Commercial displays and shit. My photos are being featured soon in a commercial space.  **more to come later on this one. can't give it all away*

I completed something. whispers “the book is done” *soul clap* I finished the book.  It's small and sweet.  And it’s fulfilling. I think it’s bigger than what I understand but we’ll see when you get your hands on it. Final edits and layout are taking place but I truly am looking forward to sharing it with you and what it means to me.  Don’t ask me when it’ll be out. I ain’t got that date. I’m going to quietly drop that shit on the TL or here one night. (I highly recommend you sign up for email updates - shameless plug).

Rapid Fire List. I started painting again and working in mixed media. I bailed on planting in the community garden.  (planning to try again). I made lots of amazing food, drank cases of wine. I hit the wineries (see cases of wine above). I swam in the ocean for the first time in many years and am officially addicted.  I brought home shells I found. I got into oil diffusers and oils - life changing. I took a metals class and made shit.  I took a cooking class and finally used my 70 year old cast iron skillet my grandmother owned.
I rearranged my apartment several times.  I decided on the things I wanted and didn't want anymore.  
I laid on my yoga mat a lot. I made new friends.  I rekindled old friendships.  I hope to do more of that this year too. 

Travel. I went to Jamaica and believe it's where part of my soul was created.  It reminded me so much of Lagos - but closer and I can't stop thinking about it or trying to figure out how to get back there.  I made it to Philly a few times and realized the importance of good friends on road trips and kidnapping your friends some days.

Reluctance. I admitted to myself there are some dreams I have that are going to require me to be vulnerable.   I also had to admit those dreams and goals were still something I wanted and not just a fleeting idea.  That the dreams themselves were worthy of light and acknowledgement.

Lofty ass goals, dreams & shit. In the coming year, I've set some AMAZING LOFTY ASS BIG FUCKING GOALS and have new projects to share.  I'm not about to give it away now but just know - BIG AMAZING SHIT IS COMING.

Gratitude. In this moment, I feel nothing but gratitude.  Above all else, I'm thankful.  Thankful for it all.  I'm thankful for this moment.  I'm  thankful for the moments to come.  I'm getting back to myself, coming into myself, becoming myself. 

Freedom. Here's to a year of peeling off the layers and getting and being free.  

Love, 
Rae

Notes on Change, Being Fed Up and Overall Exhaustion

In September of last year, I hoped I could salvage the year.  I was reasonably optimistic about it.  

Needless to say, it didn't work.  The year managed, up until the very last minute, to take its toll and get everything it could from me short of killing me.  

For that, I'm thankful.  

Today, I'm sitting here thinking and thankful, that through the suffering of the year - mostly private suffering, I made it out to tell the tale. Challenges in every area of my life - simultaneously. I'll rarely say its too much,  but the year that shall not be named exhausted me.  It pulled on me in ways I didn't know were possible simultaneously.

So I did what any person attempting to keep their sanity and make it to another day would do, what humans have done across time, across the lands - I checked the fuck out.  

I've been flying the flag at half mast lately.  A sign that I've surrendered but the fight isn't over. I learned a few things over the year that shall not be named - mostly how important it is to take care of ourselves.  

See, I'm one of those people who keeps going until I can't.  The way my psyche deals with things is I'm together for as long as I need to be together.  You know those scenes in the movie where a character runs as fast and hard as they can, until their destination and once there they collapse?  That's what happened.  I got over the finish line and collapsed. 

The calls and the requests come in to do things, for help and I've been able to barely answer the phone.  There's more no then there is yes.   I've had to design it that way to stay mentally and emotionally afloat.  

In this healing and recovery process, I've found my solitude is the one thing I can count on to resolve the majority of issues I've had.   I never knew how important it could be, but its what's on the menu these days.  I may not go out, but those who I love, tend to stop by and say hello and I'm thankful for it.  

I don't know if there's really a purpose to this post?  Maybe just to encourage you to go and sit down somewhere and deal.  Sometimes, it helps to stay busy and then other times, its all you can do to get out of bed.  Weekends have been my refuge.  Time off that's pending will be my future refuge.  There are other things that will change soon enough as well and that will also provide refuge.  

Maybe that's the point - to seek refuge.  Wherever and however you can.  In these times, we all need it.  I forsee we'll need to be our own refuge.  By healing, you can also provide it for others when needed.  I think that's the goal.  Suffering doesn't last always.  being fed up doesn't last always.  Being exhausted isn't a permanent state.  

In putting my home back together, in circling back and beginning to tackle those things that have worried me over the years, I'm finding refuge.  In learning, in making and in being creative - there's refuge.  

With refuge and rest comes great creativity when we arise from the ashes.  I pray this message will find you well.... or mending and in good spirits.   May I offer you hope for this week and the weeks to come.

With love, 

Rae

On 2015.... What I Learned, What I Realize I Know, What I Don't Know

Here we are the close of another year.  I'm thankful.  Every year I have a chance to see and complete is a blessing.  The older I am, the more I realize how much of a privilege it is to start and close another year.  

I won't try and make this extra long or deep.  No need.  Reaching a point of gratitude and simplicity has ended up creating a need to say less. want to do more.... I want to say less.  I want my actions and my work to speak on my behalf.  Not that words aren't important.  They have their place.  I'm a writer -- words are necessary.  They don't replace taking action.  They don't make up for what doesn't get accomplished. 

What I Don't Know...

Most days, I pretty much feel like I don't know shit.   I know a few things. Some days the pieces come together.  It's come to my attention the more I learn, the less I know. Beliefs are overturned at times.  Ways I thought things should be done are expanded.  My heart opens a bit more while still being broken and I'm surprised at how my views contract on some things and expand on others.  This means, I'm ever changing.  I realized there's so much I don't know.  I'm thankful I don't have to know it all and I can change my mind at any time.

What I Realize I Know...

God is real.  Love is real.  Love can fix a multitude of sins.  Hard work does indeed pay off. Working on behalf of yourself is always a good idea.  It's important to assist and serve people. No matter how much you want things to work out sometimes, the shit doesn't work.  We (read I) can survive when shit doesn't work out.  Writing a book is hard.    Putting a book together in its final stages is hard (well worth it but hard).  I enjoy being home way more than I should especially when I need to be out for work and to take photos.  I have a terrible potty mouth and don't plan to make any changes to it.  I'm happy to be where I am in life.  I like myself.  It's ok to have days when I'm unhappy.  People may choose not to stay and it's ok. I like planting things.  I still love to cook.  I can take on something I know absolutely nothing about, work hard and sometimes I win and other times I don't. 

What I Learned...

[wash rinse repeat of what I know - see above]

Really - more than I expected.  In taking a new job this year, I now know how hard I CAN work and the hours I CAN put in.... that I can actually get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to be somewhere.  The job has helped me hone the art of being meticulous.  This means everything.  It's prepped me and taught me I have the fortitude and stamina to get the things on my personal list done.  In fact, the hours and work alone fuel me to get all of my OWN projects completed. 

I've learned there's a whole process to being able to move past things I want and won't get - or at least not get them in the way I was thinking.  Sometimes this means a matter of coping, other times this means a matter of understanding something may not have been for me.  I've realized photography saves me in ways I didn't know it would.  It's helped me to see things differently in and outside of the craft.  I tend to be the girl who believes I'm blessed to have a glass half full, I'm excited I have a glass...photography makes me want to capture everything I see that needs to be remembered.  A person, a moment, a place.  It's also helped me be present in the moment.  A photograph is a snapshot of a moment I'll never have again.  It's unique in that no one can take the same photo again. 

I've learned when things are done in pure love, with passion you have no choice but to succeed at some point.  Just gotta hang in there. 

One other important thing the year brought to me is the need to speak up for and stand up for myself.  To be fine with the idea that some days, I may need to say things and discuss things and bring truth to light - even when it's not comfortable for others.  The art of opening my mouth and having courage to deal with whatever comes.

I've learned to care less of what others think.  This doesn't mean I don't care.  It means there's a time and a place for it.  It means there will be times no one agrees and it's just fine.  It means those who do care, I check in with them and they'll still respect me when I go a different direction.  It means I'm most worried about impressing myself (and God).

I've learned my so called fucks to give have been absolutely reallocated to myself and a few others. There comes a time when you need to choose to save yourself.

I've also learned in real time, the old saying "Hit dogs holler" is the absolute truth.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I think to this quote every year as it turns - was this a year that answered questions or a year that asked them?  There's another series of lessons I'll save for another date, for another time. This year was without a doubt a year that answered questions.  A  year that solidified who I am and who I want to be.  There were questions that had been pending for years.  There were feelings that had not been resolved.  This year?   Foundations were laid, resolutions were had - even if I had to resolve some things wouldn't be resolved.

I can be nothing but thankful.

May your remaining days of 2015 be amazing, bring clarity and love.  Here's to 2016 being a year of building, of progress, of restoration, harvesting and planting.  

On Sharing Plans

I made myself a promise that I'd print my photos.  These were made using Artifact Uprising.  I surely plan to order another set.  These happen to live at work.  I need a separate set for the house.  There's something about holding photos in your hand and being able to rearrange them.

While I'm here, this post is about sharing your plans.  It's also about knowing who and when to share ideas of those plans.  

While many of us have experience with it, if you're a creative and if you're any good, putting your stuff out there, then it's possible you've had someone steal your work.  Maybe they've presented it as their own, maybe you mentioned an idea in passing and next thing you know, your idea was being churned out by someone else who had no authorization to do so.

I've had it happen to me.  I've seen it happen to some of my closest friends in business as creatives.  Things can be taken.  That's the lesson. 

We were having a conversation per our ususal on planning and who you're able to share things with.  Who will successfully support your dream and not take it.  That number is often very low.  It's a shame.  But it's the reality of business.  It's the reality of the world.  

I also believe this is where having the right people surrounding you is key.  Sometimes, we meet amazing people and we can't see them as the blessings they are.  I know I've missed out on some opportunities in the past because at the time I was too hurt to tell them my ideas much less ask them for help. 

Asking for help is its own problem.  What happens when we're met with a no?  Or a yes and no follow through?  I've learned if this is the case, we have to choose our team better.  From the closest friend to our business associates, it matters.  

My thoughts on sharing?  Know the person.  Watch them and how they do business.  If you can form a friendship, mentorship, then do that.  Get to know them.  As you're working on your next big adventure, ask their thoughts.  You're going to have to trust someone.  There's no doubt about that but trust them to help you and do right by you and your plans.  This goes for business, for love, for personal matters.  Have people around you that will make you better, nourish your dream and also tell you when you've lost your absolute mind (but will also stick right by you).

Have people present who you don't have to think twice about sharing your dream with.  No woman or man should have to walk the journey alone.  

A not-so-quick thought for Monday. 

Tell me, what are your rules for sharing plans?  For sharing the good things happening in your life? Do you hold everything close? Do you choose to only share certain plans?  Let me know your thoughts. 

The Renewal of Spirit

What if it's really true that we get what we believe we deserve? 

It's funny how the last 12 months have taught me things about myself.  I'm self-aware - maybe even a little too self-aware.  Sometimes, when all of the information has come rolling in at me, I've had to shelve it.  I've had to put it on the back burner because I didn't have the time or wherewithal (I love that word) to deal, to take it all apart and still manage to function in my life.  

In my last post I wrote about how during mornings, there's no room or time to lie to myself.  Any truth I've been holding back or harboring seems to come to the forefront at pre-dawn hours.  

This morning's revelation: I've been depriving myself.

Not in the sense of actual starvation of food, but starvation from the things, moments and situations that would most benefit my life.  Fear of movement, fear of closing doors on situations, being able to say no, not settling for less, seeking out more, protecting myself and taking good care of myself.  It's so glaringly apparent now because I AM taking care of myself.  I am ready to receive all the things God has planned for me.  I've even prayed that if something isn't for me - Lord, help me to let it go.  I'm there.  

I firmly believe God blesses those who make moves.  Moves require courage. Make them.   My personal believe?  God blesses those who hustle and make moves.  You can start the project, the process and then you start to see the Divine enter and assist.  This is where you have to work.  Sweat equity.  God blesses the sweat y'all - and the tears.  

I've read many times over that we get what we negotiate, we get what we believe we deserve.  I've found in the last year or two, there's merit to this thought.   Am I perfect?  By no means.  Do I fuck up?  Regularly.  However, those things don't negate my overall value.  This has been the hardest thing to grasp during my 30s. I find it funny though because I love imperfect people and things.  I love people who aren't meeting beauty standards. I love seeing people break beauty standards.  

Who and what I find beautiful has often been odd to many.  Maybe it's the way my vision is set up.  I'd always asked God for Him to help me see and hear as He sees and hears.  I'm hoping that's what's led me to want to capture so many moments.  It's just when you have to apply those beliefs to yourself and fix and repair the things that have happened over the years it's easier said than done.  It's easier to hold on to the things you've done wrong (or at least it seems it is) than it is to forgive yourself and thrive.  For many of us, I even find succeeding and doing well - we're hiding it.  We're embarrassed to be this happy, doing this well, be this in love.  We're scared to thrive and succeed because that tells us a lot about ourselves too.  

With my faith in God, I've also realized dimming my light feels wrong.  I don't need to flaunt.  I just need to be myself. My full self. 

It tells us how we're capable.  Success puts us to task and keeps us on our toes. We're afraid that we may not be able to repeat our success.  Or we're worried we won't be able to maintain the pace, that we actually now have to do things and try harder.  

I get it.  That's been me over the last few years.  Sometimes, you're in a place and you can't quite see your way out of it.  Seeing your way out of it, you realize you've still got PTSD from the situation.  You realize you've been depriving your own spirit of all the good God has to offer.  I decided this morning, I would do my best to give myself the best and do the best by myself from here on out.  I owe that to God, my family and myself.  

I realized this morning, I'm in recovery from a deprivation of spirit and I intend to recover post haste.  There's a rebuilding happening. There's an expansion. There's no time to waste.  Life is to be lived richly.  Make good decisions.  Recover from the bad decisions. Make moves to bless your life.  Choose good people to surround you.  Love yourself fully and wholly and love your life - no matter what state it's in, it's a blessing.

I pray you'll find your sweet spot and give yourself all you deserve.  I pray you can forgive yourself and receive all God has to offer in this life. 

 With love and negritude this morning, 

Rae

A Lesson From a Broken Lens

NP: "She Was Fly" by Full Crate & Mar

I was moving along last week at work and saw something worthy of a photo.  I pulled the camera from my bag - I keep it with me.  I learned early on, having it with me encouraged me to shoot.  Inevitably, if I didn't have it, I needed it.  So I pull the camera out, begin to focus and things are out of focus and I can't get them back into focus.  I twist and turn the lens a bit more only to discover the above findings.  

I'd broken my first camera lens.

I tried to piece it back together.  I tried to mend it.  I tried to fix it.  It was firing and well, there were still blurry photos.  I actually couldn't be that mad.  For the cost and for all the joy it's brought me, it did me well.  It's last official shoot was astounding (I'll share some of those with you soon).   The lens is still held together by a small strip but the sensors and chips in the lens don't like the fact they were separated in the first place.   As a result, I had to get a new lens.   I was slightly devastated.  I can't even lie. Just on principal.  However, this is one of those great lenses that's not too expensive - as far as lenses go. It put me back $133.  In camera life, tech life, that's pretty cheap.  

As mentioned in one of the earlier posts I began a new gig a couple of months ago.  When I started this new job, I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into.  It's just you never really know until you're fully into it.  Once I had made the leap, it was too late to reverse it.  It's not like the Mr. Cee's song and I yell "two hops this time! reverse reverse" and I'm back to where I was.  Nope.  I was all in. 

I won't even lie to you.  I love the work.  However, it's brutal.  It's just the hours at times and well the time and the hour, not to mention the learning curve.  There's nothing comparable about being AT work at 5am and still being relatively lost.   These 0 dark thirty mornings haven't gotten easier.  I can't say they're harder, but some days I want to stay home - or just sleep in (which now looks like 7am).   Needless to say these last couple of months have taught me quite a bit.  

It's just with the early mornings, I'm clear.  Clarity brings understanding.  I've figured out more in the last couple of months and identified lingering regrets and unspoken dreams.  At 4am, there's no choice but to be honest with myself.  Which makes me wonder - why didn't I do this earlier?  Why didn't I work harder for myself before and try and jump a little higher, a little farther?  It makes me wonder - and those are new questions to answer.  

With the early mornings, it makes me realize how important it is to do the things I love with the time I have.  To get up early - for myself.  To do the things I love - for myself. It's made me think about retirement, dreams and all of the things I need to get done and need to settle out so I can get to the next phase of my life. 

It's also pretty much weeded out bullshit.  I've always guarded my time.  However, hitting a milestone point and having a new level of accountability x an existing goal level makes for a good set of GTFOH.  Because time has become even more precious with the new hours, there's less room to tolerate my own bullshit.  It's amazing what a shift in schedule and a milestone age can do for you. 

In this moment, I've promised myself with this new level of frustration and anger (for having to be up so early) I'd make sure I finish this book.  I make sure I still take photos and do things that are important to me.  In fact, I've realized when I'm up this early, I can get in a few more photos of the things I used to miss while sleeping in and bullshitting.  I had to be thankful that with a new job, I could go out and buy the lens without thinking twice about it.  An investment in my sanity and in my personal work. My own goals and dreams are at the forefront.  Honestly, it's the way it should've been all this time.  If I can work and hustle, get up to be somewhere to work on someone else's project I can surely find the energy to put towards my own - even in the off hours, the few that I may have between. 

It's funny how a broken camera lens can teach.

Here's to knowing the early mornings and late nights are ours to create....

Love, 

Rae

Bending Over Backwards

It's August and with that, we're well over half of our year.  I'm not sure about you, but I don't know where the time has gone.  Truly.  I turned 40, started a new job, have been working on the book and here we are - at August. 

I happen to love August.  A couple of my favorite people on the planet made their earthly debuts this month so it holds a special place in my heart for those reasons.  Lately though, I've been feeling like things were shifting and changing.  In a good way - nonetheless still shifting and changing.  I'm sorting through photos and high-fiving some of them (like this one) and upset with others but that's the nature of things.  100 photos and more than likely I only *love* five.

Let me get to the point.....

I'm tired.  I had submitted this to an art show and they rejected it (their loss), but titled it "Bending Over Backwards" and well - it's relevant.  

I've reached a pinnacle, a nirvana of sorts where I'm not about to add all of this effort for things I don't want to fucking do.  If I want to do it great.  If I don't want to do it, I'm not doing it unless 1) God says I need to do it 2) It's a life or death matter 3) I realize it's a necessary evil for reaching a desired goal. 

I've also given up attempting to please people as a general rule.  Why? Well, most people are never happy.  It's best to find people who think you're amazing (and not in a yes-person sort of way but in a hey you're awesome and I love you but I'll still tell you when you're fucking up sort of way).  

That pretty much sums it up.  This is what happened when I  reached a certain point in my life. I can't even blame it on an age.  I've had enough of the bullshit and the whole bending over backwards business gets old.  Very old.  You end up tired and worn with nothing to show for it.  

These days, I'm all about the return on investment (even if it's intrinsic value) and sometimes having something to show for all of the work, the effort, the tears, the time and the effort I've been putting into place.  I can't and won't discourage you from doing from others - in fact I highly recommend it.  I just say there comes a point when you need to work things out in favor of your own life.  Or at least that's the narrative I've advised myself lately.  

The people, moments and things that matter most to me are what I'm focusing on these days. I can say with age, some sort of honing device kicks in because I've realized there might be less time than before, there might be less time with the people and the moments I want to hold close.  That's enough of an alarm for me.  

I happened to talk with my godmother today and as always she imparted some real wisdom. Hers is the kind of wisdom that has me taking notes and changing the current state of affairs. She always brings things into perspective and I'm thankful for it.  

Special note: this is my year to get my shit together. 

Remember, it's your life to live and create.  Your moments to spend as you choose.  Choose wisely.

What's important to you?  Who matters the most to you?  What are the most important moments for you?  Are you looking forward to something?  Looking forward to a moment? How's your year been? Planning for 2016?

Nearly 30 Things

In honor of my 40th Earth Anniversary, I wrote a post on the 10 Loveliest Moments of my life. Here is the next to complete the 40.  30 Things + Moments + Memories + Achievements + Milestones I'd Like to Reach and Experience ....over the next decade.  As I said in the last post, I'm not up for lessons this year.  I don't even know if I want to offer any advice.  This more so serves as a record of my life.  So many situations and circumstances where I used to believe one way and discovered I was absolutely incorrect.  It makes me want to sit my five dollar ass down somewhere and listen, soak in more knowledge, make every effort to do great things and live my life to the fullest.  

Through my thirties I was stressed out about relationships and men who weren't worth my time when I should've been focused on minding my business and well, minding my business. I was just searching for something that you don't find when you look for it.  You find it when you least expect it.  Even then, it may not quite turn out the way you'd like.  Expectations have changed and become different.   I'd like to think those mistakes and errors in judgment have resulted in me being able to see what's coming down the road.  I can understand when someone is bullshitting.  I understand when someone is sincere.  It's also why I tend not to waste time these days with the games people play.  Life has a way of changing you that way. For me, it's been for the better.  It's allowed me to sure myself up in many ways and get to the heart of what really matters. 

What matters for me?  Love, God, making a difference, surviving and being able to reach my full potential.  I'd also like to toss in great food, deep sweet naps, mind blowing sex, cheap wine and laughing. 

"Be anxious for nothing" has become the motto.  The level of patience I've learned to exhibit is astounding.  I mentioned it the other day some things (moments, situations) I wait for and other things I take the initiative and go for.  For the last couple of years or so, heading towards 40 has plunged me into this nesting phase.  Along with a milestone year, I've dealt with parents who are sick and dealing with my own personal goals, issues, demons and dreams. Really - it's been both lovely and to be honest - completely exhausting.  There's nothing like someone you love dealing with their own mortality to put your own list of dreams and things you want to do in perspective - and to the forefront.   While everyone says birthdays aren't a big deal, I find the idea of getting another year to see and do things in the world, another year to commune with others and enjoy God's creations - I find that to be a blessing.

Here are my (nearly) 30 things I'm looking forward to in the next decade.....

1. I'm looking forward to holding my first book in my hands (sooner rather than later). I'm on the short end of this process these days.  
2. Holding several more of my own books in my hands. 
3. Taking a photography class and workshop.  
4. Submit and present a TED Talk.  I have no idea what it'll be about or the subject, but I want to do it.  My dear friend @Socamom has offered to "hold the bucket" for me to temper my stage fright.  Really - I read a famous star used to throw up before every performance.  I'm not above it but she's promised to bedazzle a bucket for me and make sure I'm at least together before I get shoved out on stage. 
5. Buy | build | remodel a home. All of the above? I need a permanent place to call home. A permanent address.
6. Create a long term photoessay project, art project.  I'm still working on what it may be.  I have some ideas. A couple in particular.  
7. Publish beautiful fiction.
8. Two words: koi pond.  [see #6]
9. Purchase an original piece of artwork or a limited edition print by a favorite artist.  (Romare Bearden, Purvis Young, Carrie Mae Weems, Basquiat).
10. Decide on whether or not I'm going to nursing school. 
11. Travel across the country (with an Airstream in tow).
12. Travel.
13. Buy an airstream trailer (that might help).
14. Stop doing things that aren't of the highest order for my life. 
15. Grow my hair out to an epic length. 
16. Plant a garden. 
17. Keep a journal over the next decade. Update : I'm a few days in and I'm not totally failing. I'm not writing in it daily, but whatever. Life has been calling.
18. Take several epic vacations (preferably with a partner, one or two alone as well.)
19. Buy a Leica.
20. Early retirement.  My future husband and Airstream trailer will require time and attention.
21. Start my business.  See #1 and add photos to it. 
22. through 30 are reserved for additional items I don't even know I want to do yet, the secret wishes and prayers, the things I can only pray about, the room for evolution to do new things.

I'm sure I'm forgetting an entire series of things I want to do.  It happens.  There's another list of the private things I pray for, sincerely want and want to do.  The things that only God and the people closest to me know I want.  It's the things that I don't even know how to admit I want that are going to be the crux of this next 10 years. 

It's hilarious that this list was difficult.  This list will surely update as things change.  As I've gotten older, these lists are great but no one says I have to hold to it if there's something that needs to change.  The good thing about living and being free is you're free to change your mind, make an about face and do whatever it is your heart desires.  

I will meet you on the road.....

Yours in Negritude,

Rae xoxox

Life + Writing Prompts Vol V

Along the way of working on the prompts, after a few installments, I decided to post the remainder of the prompts at one time. This post has a mismosh of life prompts and actions.  It's important.  Because I'm all about love and living your best life, these prompts are dedicated to both and some are dedicated to a little bit of imagination.  

What do I mean by Best Life? I mean reaching a place where you enjoy your life.  You're not reaching back in the past for lost moments.  You're not always anticipating the future.  You're content where you are while appreciating what's happened and are looking forward to the future.  Your best life can look different at different moments.  What I needed or wanted in my twenties changed in my thirties.  On the brink of my forties there's another shift beginning and I suspect it may change again.  There's no right way, there's no one answer and you have the ability to change your mind, change your course at any moment.  Always keep that in mind. If you want to change your life and you're reading this, you have the power to do so.

1.  What does it mean for you to live your best life? List the components of what you believe looks like the life you want to live.  Now, write down what you believe is holding you back.  Do you think you need more money? A partner? More education? A better wardrobe? Most times, our best lives hinge on the smaller things and making the most (and best) from what we have. 

2.  What do you think of your life right now?  Is it amazing? Are you satisfied? This isn't a trick question but a gauge. It's a barometer to better understand where you are in this moment.  It took me some time to be able to manage through my issues.  My twenties and most of my thirties were spent trying to hold on and figure life out. There were many dark nights of soul.  There were many moments of insecurity. However, I'm a firm believer in attitude, prayer, faith and a lot of hard work.  Somehow, I'm here today to write and talk about it.

3.  As the days pass, we have to understand there's something about getting to that moment where things begin to fall into place.  Let's talk about your long and short term goals.  What do they look like?   By short term we're talking five (5) years and by long term we're talking ten (10).  This isn't a new concept.  People talk about it all the time.  But here, I need you to describe what your life will look like in five and ten years.  

4.  What's your current living space look like?  Is it liveable?  Goal : unfuck your space.  Clean it.  When you're in a good place and the space is clean, you can think.  I've mentioned this before, but it's so important to have a place where you like to be.  Buy a new set of sheets from Marshalls, Target or wherever. Get yourself a good meal.  Sometimes we have to break things back down to the simple basics. 

5.  Who are the people who have been there for you and who've been a blessing to you?  I'd like you to send them a thank you card and a small gift.  The gift can be under $20 but send them something thoughtful - a journal, a candle. a bottle of wine / whisky / flask, a gift card to Starbucks or a small store.  But something small.  Please note: You're not allowed to send me anything.  You have to pick someone that's not me.  I have to say that because some of y'all will mail stuff - you know who you are....

6.  I was talking with a good friend of mine one day and he told me that every day, he does one thing he wants to do. Not something he has to do, but wants to do. Today, and for seven days after this I'd like you to do one thing you want to do each day.  It could be sitting at a bookstore and reading, taking a long walk or nap (both?), sitting down and organizing something or even doing something creative.  It can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it's something you've been wanting to do. 

7.  I don't believe we have to travel far or great to have the best experiences or to learn.  Have you visited the free museums in your area?  The parks?  Other spaces? A local farmer's market? A specialty grocer? There's something about heading to local attractions within your city or town.  Make a list places that are within an hour of your home (longer if you're rural) and plan out a few day trips. 

8.  Tell two (2) people you love them.  Give them a word of encouragement and thank them for being in your life.

9.  If you know of someone in need today, please offer a helping hand.  Even if it's the donation of your time.  It doesn't have to be money. Offer to babysit, run errands, cook a meal, clean up or just head over there to sit and talk.  People in need don't always ask for help. I'm sure if you look around and you typically don't have to look far, you'll find a close friend in need of a bit of love and assistance.

10.  Write five (5) writing prompts for yourself.  My gmail notes, Evernote, notebooks and other elusive places are filled with ideas.  If you're anything like me, there's something everywhere.  Inspiration everywhere. use what you have.

11.  Time waits for no man.  We're often waiting for someone to encourage us, do things with us, tell us that we're enough.  So here it is, I encourage you, you have the power to do it and you're enough.  List 10-20 things you're putting off because you've been waiting for someone else's approval or arrival.  Go get your shit done.

12.  When we talk about best life and such, sometimes it means there are things we need to let go.  What is it you need to let go?  

13.  Write about the best day you've had.  You can choose any day.  What made it good?  Was it the place?  The people? What were you doing?  I've read that when you have those amazing moments, you attempt to recreate them as often as possible.  This is why it's important to think about them. 

14.  Challenge: sit at dinner with your significant other or best friend or yourself and don't use your phone.  Don't even look at or touch your phone. 

15.  Say the word no. Maybe you have something coming up that you really aren't into, just don't want to do.  We have to learn how to politely decline offers, situations and things.  Just practice it today.  But say it. 

16.  Part of feeling and being empowered can begin with something small.  What makes you feel powerful?  What makes you feel beautiful?  Is it eating better? Working out?  Getting a massage?  A mani pedi?  Getting your hair done?  Do something for yourself that's small but is the basis of making you feel better.  I know for me, I love getting a mani pedi.  I also feel amazing after I've worked out.  It makes having the pizza feel that much better because I've worked to be able to have it.

17.  Say yes.  What have you been turning down that you've always wanted to do?  What have you been talking yourself out of?  Or have you been afraid to try new things?  Say yes.  Learning to say yes - happily - is just as important as learning to say no.  

18.  Go to the doctor.  So many of us avoid the doctor because we don't want them to tell us that we have to lose weight, we should stop eating the way we're eating, we need to work on making some changes.  Maybe you've had bad experiences with the doctor, but I'm a believer in making sure your health is in order.  You can't have the best life when you avoid and neglect your health.  It means getting tested, listening, being honest and being ready to make changes.  If you're not insured, sometimes there are places that offer low to no cost physicals.  In DC, Bread for the City does excellent work and care.  It's so important to take good care of ourselves.  The body you have is the only one you'll get in this lifetime.  It has to take you where you need to go.  Do right by it. 

19.  This is more a piece of advice than it is anything else.  Determine to be happy.  I actually am prone to episodes of melancholy.  I had to find things that would and could snatch me out of that space.  For me? It's sharing here, writing and taking photos.  I didn't realize when I bought the camera what it would do for me. It's been a friend and a companion and a way to see the world.  It's kept me moving.  It's kept me inspired. For some they don't quite understand it, but there has to be a determination to be happy.  This is barring any sort of true clinical depression or anything (that's a very different scenario and during those times we have to seek professional help).  Determine that you will have a good life.  Making that decision alone can change everything.

20.  This is also a piece of advice.  It's all up to you.  There's no one else on the hook for your life.  You are the captain of this ship.  You can complain, fuss, choose to not make choices (which is a choice) but at the end of it all, it will have been up to you.  There are many people who have risen from the ashes to go on to do great things with their lives, with what seemed like nothing.  It's the movement and the determination that will carry you. Be tenacious about your life. 

So that ends the series of prompts.  I do hope they've at least made you think, take a few moments to consider things in your life.  It's important for us to make the best of it, make the most of it and still enjoy the time we have on this earth while leaving a legacy.  I'm thankful to have reached this point in my life.  I feel more confident, more sure about the things I want to do and where I am.  I wish you all the possible good, joy and love you can stand. 

With Love, 

Rae

If you're just discovering the prompts, here are the previous installments:

Vol I

Vol II

Vol III

Vol IV

Life + Writing Prompts Vol III

This is the third in a series of eight.  If you'd like to catch up on the previous writing prompts, here they are:

Life + Writing Prompts Vol I

Life + Writing Prompts Vol II 

We all need creativity in our lives. We need the ability to produce, give back and add value.  I'm certain this is a tenet of being human and feeling useful.  Now, how we use it is a different story. I'm sure there are things we all have to do and sometimes we don't do them.  We feign that we're too tired, not enough time, not enough money, not enough people around us to encourage us.  We blame work and other family responsibilities.  In other words, there's always something else that we can put in as a reason we're not doing things that fulfill us.  We can live a lifetime of adding in excuses and the whys of why we're not living, why we're not doing things we love.  

What I've come to know over these last four years of blogging and this last 18 months of picking up a camera is that we absolutely need to make the time to do these things. To meet the creative muse or the Spirit that feeds us, makes the world a bit brighter because we're in it.  Sometimes, we don't know what we're supposed to be doing.  Usually it's hidden in the things we do for free.  I know people say that all the time, but it's the moments that we feel most alive. It doesn't have to be what everyone tells you you're good at.  It might be something that no one knows you enjoy.  The secret is carving out more time to do it.  

LIFE + WRITING PROMPTS VOL. III

1.  Since many of you are writers and creatives, check out this 1998 interview of Toni Morrison by the Paris Review. You'll note she talks about creative rituals, her favorite pencils. Pay attention to yourself over the next few days. What are your creative rituals? You likely have them and never noticed them. I mentioned in the other posts about writing or creating when you're closest to your creativity. For me, it can be any time. But I do best in the mornings. The challenge has been getting up in the morning. Another funny thing has been that when I go out to shoot photos, I tend to head to the same spots over and over again.  I also have to stop at Chik-Fil-A for a spicy chicken sandwich, waffle fries and a lemonade.  It's become a habit.  Sometimes, I may clean the entire house.  Sometimes, I might procrastinate writing things down for months.  All of us have rituals.  It may not always be that way, but every time I head a certain direction, I'm going to stop at Chik-Fil-A.  Take a moment to think of the things that you do before you create.  Think of the things you have to have in place, how you do what you do and what your rituals are.     Note: as you come closer to your purpose and discover your passion, you realize you're willing to do things you normally would not do. Rise early, stay up late. 

2. Do you have what you need to make the most of your creativity at this time? If you're painting do you need art supplies? Is your space cleared and ready? Do you need to rearrange things?  Is it time that you need to carve out?  Are you thinking about doing what you love more than you actually do it?  Is there something small you can do that puts you more in the mood to create?

3.  Recommendations for creative reading:

Steven Pressfield's  The War of Art , Do The Work       

Maxine Clair's Imagine This: Creating the Work You Love

Lewis Hyde's The Gift: Creativity and the Artist in the Modern World

Anne Lamott's Bird By Bird

Guy Kawasaki and Shawn Welch Author, Publisher, Entrepeneur (APE): How to Publish a Book

I've posted the Kindle links for the books above.  However, all of them are available in hard copy.  I've read these.  If you can get these and read them over the next year, I'd recommend it.  I've been reading them off and on for a couple of years.  Some I return to as well.  I'm currently working my way through Lewis Hyde's The Gift and it's really been a blessing. It's enhancing the way I look at what I give out, what I create and how I choose to present it.  I'd like to think these prompts may have come out of reading parts of the book.  I've been blown away by the ideas presented in these books.  I try my best never to suggest anything that hasn't helped me in some way. Each has helped me along in terms of art, writing, business or just getting down to business and getting the work done.  Disclaimer: The links provided are my Amazon affililiate store links. 

4.  Action item: Creativity can require motion but I believe much of it happens when we can be still and connect.  It allows us the space to think, listen and be present.  I believe the best ideas also happen in the midst of activities we don't have to think about - washing dishes, showering, driving and other daily moments. This action item is about NOT being in motion. Our lives are too busy, perpetual motion. The art of being still and being present is key. Can you find a space to do that? The park, near the river, the ocean or wherever you like to get to. Be safe.  But get to a place where you can have a moment and think. If you're planning ahead, pack yourself a little lunch or go and pick up a sandwich and head to the spot. Take a book and something to write in and with.  If it's possible to not look at your phone for this hour, please try it.  You'll be glad you did.  

5.  Action item: We can create anything we want. We must watch what we speak into existence. What we choose to ask for. What our subconscious moves say about the future we create. While thinking about this last prompt, one of action, I realized I needed to also hone it myself. When you read this, the clock begins and for seven (7) calendar days there's no negative speaking. [my clock begins the moment I publish it] No counter talk. Not for yourself or others. These seven days should be about encouragement, speaking life, speaking things into existence. If you need to be quiet rather than speak or complain or put bad words into a situation then just do that. Shut up.  Also, we might have to tell some of our family members and loved ones that we're on a 7-day hiatus from talking badly about other people or ourselves.  Let's give that a rest.  We can do that.  We can be gentle with the way we speak and think about ourselves and others.  We can work towards it.  Sometimes, we need to learn to keep our mouths closed until our thoughts can align with what we want the most.  During this time we need to watch our thoughts. Think the highest thoughts of and for people,of yourself. Sometimes we get into a rut. If you like, write some of the situations down that you're working through and then figure out a way to speak positively over them. 

Note: sometimes, situations and events are what they are. We can't change them. But speaking over them changes us and gives us new perspective. I'm not asking you to be unrealistic. However sometimes we need to get a handle on how we deal with things. We need a way to see them differently if we can't completely quit. 

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead and an outstanding Monday....be sure to sign up for updates.   I hope what I've been posting is helping you.  It's been blessing me.  I sincerely believe we're all better when we help one another and when we can access our gifts and creativity.  It puts us in a space to be effective and to live a good life.  I can say it's helped me meet some of the people I love the most.  It helps me deal with the rest of the world.  Being able to photograph people, places and things, being able to write down and capture what others are feeling.  Sometimes creativity also helps us to not feel alone.  When you have nothing else, no one else, when everything has gone to shit you usually have God, yourself and your work.  It's a needed  life preserver. Those things will keep us afloat when all else tends to go wrong.  I've been thankful for the ability to create over the last few years when my years were awful.  It kept me grounded.  It kept my heart open and allowed me to find and create a home in this world.  

In other news, I've also seriously been considering creating a newsletter before the end of the year.  I have no idea what the theme is or what it'll be about but if you'd like to keep up with the creative journey and get a bit of love in your inbox then just sign up here.

Love, 

Rae

Now Playing: Doja Cat - Beautiful 

Life + Writing Prompts Vol II

If you're just catching up, then you can find Volume I of the Life + Writing Prompts with this link.

I see you've been signing up for updates and love in your inbox  and I so appreciate you!   I'm hoping I got the situation with the mail server correct. If you're not getting these, please let me know so I can work that out over the weekend. 

So let's get right to it.  This edition of the prompts may be a bit more intense.  Hopefully, you'll pull yourself together, say a prayer and then get into it. These might be one of the sets you'll consider putting in your journal.  There's no time frame.  However, should you decide to post, use the hashtag #roadto40. 

The prompts are drawn up from the experiences, the journal entries, the conversations, the blog posts and the many talks I've had over the years - with God, myself and others.  Leading up to a milestone birthday, whichever it may be, leads us to considering where we are in our lives.  Meeting our highest selves seems to be the ultimate goal.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." ~ Thomas Jefferson

LIFE + WRITING PROMPTS VOL. II

1.  "Action cures fear."  

One of our most dreaded F words is fear.  I was thinking about it and realized how fear tends to rob us of taking opportunities that could truly bless us or facing things that need to be done - in order for us to be in position for a blessing.  The idea that we might not get what we want or that we might fail also causes us to shirk back and not want to deal.  But on the other side of things, let's think about how we're missing out on something that could benefit our life. Maybe there's a lot of work ahead and we're putting it off hoping someone else will do it?  Do we feel like we can't do the project?  Is there something that has too many moving parts?  This prompt is about the planning of how to get past your fear and get your shit done.  What are the things you most want to do?  Do you have a plan in place? Do you have a list of ideas? A list of who to talk to or where to begin? Write a list of five things you're putting off.  Take the item that's most important to you and write the steps to get it done.  If you're not sure how you'll make it work, find someone you know who can put things in perspective with you. Sometimes, we need to learn who to ask for help and how to ask for help.  

2.  Write a minimum of 100 words about something you've been able to overcome and get through. How did you get through it?  It doesn't have to be large. It doesn't have to be anything anyone else knows about but you.  I don't expect you to put this out there for everyone to read it, but you should at least write yourself a little something in a private space or journal.  Personally, a lot of my work is typed into Evernote (I've fallen in love with it) and then of course there are notebooks everywhere.  This paragraph is at 100 words.

3.  Write yourself a letter, date it and seal it.  This letter is to be read by you in two years.  I recently found a letter that I wrote to myself back in 2011 when I was having a series of unfortunate events.  It's been almost four years.  When I found it while cleaning, it was addressed to me and in my handwriting.  I'd forgotten I wrote it.  I let it sit for a few days, afraid to read it. I used to not read my journals (out of fear of re-living the moments) but now I can read them and see how far I've come from the woman that was writing the entry and how I can empathize with her.  The letter?  It was beautiful and kind.  A letter to my future self about where I wanted her to be. By the time I got to the midway point (it was only a page), I was already in tears.   It tore me up because at the core of it, I've always wanted the best for myself even when I wasn't sure how to get there, even when I haven't done the best by myself or been the best to myself.  Sometimes we need to know we really and truly do love and value ourselves.

4.  Life prompt: Connect with someone close and ask them about a time or a situation they've been able to overcome.  Do they have any advice for how to face things? Do you like their life and the way the maneuver and manage?  In my case, I've been talking with my father and a few other loved ones about situations they went through.  If they happen to tell me about a difficult time, sometimes I ask them how they made it.  Sometimes they're not sure.  Other times they've come back to me and talked about what happened.  It's been a blessing and helped me to weather some true storms.   Grandparents and elders are good for this one.  But honestly, it can be your best friend or husband | wife.  Anyone you're truly close with and can talk to.  Anyone whose counsel you'd seek when you're in trouble.   You'd be amazed at the moments people will tell you about - that you might not have had any idea they've overcome. You'll be amazed at how it may bring you closer. 

5.  Let's go back to number 1.  Remember how you listed those things that you need to do? Something you're afraid to do but it has to be done?  Pick the easiest action item on that list towards the goal and do it.  If you've done it already, move to your next goal and start on taking it down.  We can work on more than one thing at a time.  It may all come together later, but we can start the work on it now.  Give yourself a star next to the item and cross it off and repeat. 

Bonus:  Since we're talking about fear this time, I'd like you to counteract some of it and write how you're uniquely designed to manage the problem(s) that you're facing.  Now, that might sound like bullshit.  But most times, we're designed for the things that we come up against.  I didn't used to think so, but problems (as a whole) are meant to mature us and help us to grow + evolve into who we're meant to be.  List some of your strengths and how those strengths can be applied to get you through. 

Well, I'm sure y'all are likely to cuss me out through this.  Know I care.  Know I've been walking the same road and dealing with the same questions you're reading.  I get it and I know how hard it can be.  This is part of my gift to you.  I promise if you attempt to do the work, it'll work for you. 

Currently listening to Sango "Trust Me"

Ephemera and Sage Advice

Checking in.  I've been in the throes of intentionally working on my first book.  Not the sort of "I'm writing a book" as you think about it and don't write, but the actual sitting down and selecting, writing, editing, crying and cursing writing a book.  If you have a writer in your life, please hug them tight, love them tremendously and kiss them.  The work sometimes makes you insecure.  We see everything, we feel everything. It's terrible work.  Yes this is in all caps. You will have to deal.  The work is terrible.  i know i said that already. you still have to deal.  Which is why most of us never publish.  It's rewarding.  But it is daunting, terrible and I promise those of us truly working at it only do it because we are compelled in our spirit to torture ourselves in hopes the stories, poems, prose, thoughts we create are consumed for the greater good.

Again, terrible work. 

I can't give anything away.  I will tell you I've fallen in love with the book after fighting with it for months.  That means something for me. It's enough to make me keep at it until you have the work in your hands.

The photo above is something random I chose from my hard drive.  It seems a telling story for many reasons.  I'll leave it up for your interpretation. 

Among creatives we hoard things.  We keep slips of paper, notes, anecdotes, quotes, photos, old letters - ephemera.  I just needed a reason to use ephemera.  we keep it because it helps us later. I have tons of books spread about.  Old notes, new notes. we need it. we need things to review and look at

I was sifting through the thousands of notes I have and came across the text from a letter that famed playwright Noel Coward wrote to Marlene Dietrich on her horrible romance with Yul Brenner.  I'm not sure how I found it.  I may have been researching old love letters. Good writing and sage advice lives with you long after you read it.  this has stayed with me since i read it and it hit me again when i read it tonight.  i wanted to share it with you.. Read along and get your life.  This is a good word on love.

Noel Coward, to Marlene Dietrich, on her terrible romance with Yul Brynner:

Firefly Hill
Port Maria
Jamaica B.W.I.

Oh, darling,

Your letter filled me with such a lot of emotions, the predominant one being rage that you should allow yourself to be so humiliated and made so unhappy by a situation that really isn't worthy of you. I loathe to think of you apologizing and begging forgiveness and humbling yourself. I don't care if you did behave badly for a brief moment, considering all the devotion and loving you have given out during the last five years, you had a perfect right to. The only mistake was not to have behaved a great deal worse a long time ago. The aeroplane journey sounds a nightmare to me.

It is difficult for me to wag my finger at you from so very far away particularly as my heart aches for you but really darling you must pack up this nonsensical situation once and for all. It is really beneath your dignity, not your dignity as a famous artist and a glamourous star, but your dignity as a human, only too human, being. Curly is attractive, beguiling, tender and fascinating, but he is not the only man in the world who merits those delightful adjectives...Do please try to work out for yourself a little personal philosophy and DO NOT, repeat DO NOT be so bloody vulnerable. To hell with God damned "L'Amour." It always causes far more trouble than it is worth. Don't run after it. Don't court it. Keep it waiting off stage until you're good and ready for it and even then treat it with the suspicious disdain that it deserves...I am sick to death of you waiting about in empty houses and apartments with your ears strained for the telephone to ring. Snap out of it, girl! A very brilliant writer once said (could it have been me?) "Life is for the living." Well that is all it is for, and living DOES NOT consist of staring in at other people's windows and waiting for crumbs to be thrown to you. You've carried on this hole in corner, overcharged, romantic, unrealistic nonsense long enough.

Stop it Stop it Stop it. Other people need you...Stop wasting your time on someone who only really says tender things to you when he's drunk...

Unpack your sense of humor, and get on with living and ENJOY IT.

Incidentally, there is one fairly strong-minded type who will never let you down and who loves you very much indeed. Just try to guess who it is. XXXX. Those are not romantic kisses. They are un-romantic. Loving "Goose-Es."

Your devoted "Fernando de Lamas"

On Legacy

This little house calls me back - even on days when I shouldn't be out there photographing it.  I wonder the story, I wonder who lived there.  I'm not sure why it's become so special to me. For some reason it seems to validate my obsession with home.   It greets me with something beautiful and surprising every time I've gone out to photograph it. I'm rewarded with something different every time I've showed up.  I've come to need this little house in my life - which is why I photograph it.  I've come to need certain people in my life.  I can't even fight it any longer.  Now, it's a fact.

In the needing of each other, there's a loving without demand or condition.  I'm going to love you without placing ridiculous demands or conditions.   The idea that you'll do the same.  The idea that we'll hang in there even when some of the rules are broken. 

In loving, I keep this quote in mind:

As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has or ever will have - something inside that is unique to all time.  It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression. 

Fred Rogers 

          The World According to Mister Rogers

I've been fortunate enough to have had grandparents that laid a perfect foundation of love. It's something for me to hold on to in the murky waters of this world.  If offered me a strong sense of self and a stronger sense of love.  They left me a legacy of love and what it means to show up for each other, for their family consistently, for me.  Without fail -- they were relentless when it came down to showing up and how they loved me.   I'll be forever grateful for their example. 

There's a magic in being able to show others how rare and beautiful they are.  It's why I don't ever hold those feelings back.  There's no time.

The land the house rests on was sold for a large construction project.  What I've loved about it is that they haven't knocked it down.  They've maintained it and the barns behind it.  There's always a moment when I drive that way, I'm wondering if it'll still be there which is why I photograph it every moment I can.  

I decided some time ago that I'd love in the same way.  I'd make sure I would show you and tell you in every way I could.  I wanted others to know.  I don't care who knows.  The fact remains, this is how I sleep well at night.  I want to show up for you.  I want to be there for you.  I want to love you whether or not your life is in the best order or your behavior is less than stellar.  It doesn't matter to me.  The good thing about real love is that when it's real, there's nothing you have to do for it.  It's just there. Always remember that - you don't work for the love of others. It's just given.  It's there even when you're in disagreement.  It's there whether or not you comply with their wishes.  In that way, I've been able to see people and situations differently. I've also managed to come across some of the most stellar human beings anyone could ever know.  I'm thankful. 

If I'm lucky enough, I'll be old like the house some day.  Not empty or abandoned, but old, beautiful and holding my ground with a story to tell.  I hope the house knows I love it and I'll visit it as long as it stands.   I'll be near the end of my time, but my legacy will be the thing left standing.  I hope that will be a legacy of love.